Frantic Existence
by Koori Arashi
Summary: Hermione Granger is the perfect student, a terrific friend, and role model to all... but what lies beneath her 'perfect' surface?


  


**_Frantic Existence_   
By Koori Arashi**  


The Common Room was quiet. Peaceful. Empty. Hermione Granger breathed in deeply, and flopped back in to her chair. Her eyes shut her in wary contentment.

After Fourth Year, much to the student's horror, Quidditch had been cancelled. It had been deemed 'too dangerous' along with trips to Hogsmead and supervised detentions into the Forbidden Forest. Students were to be kept inside as much a possible... and everyone was going stir crazy. But finally, after 2 years, Dumbledor relented and announced a school-wide three-day Quidditch tournament. Everyone was there… well everyone but Hermione. **She** was up in Griffindor tower, sitting in her own little corner, in her own little chair, quietly going insane.

  
_****************************************  
Me…  
all I wanted in my life was to be seen  
it was all or nothing  
nothing in-between  
I had to prove myself  
strong than my needs…  
****************************************_

  
Hermione could feel a draft tickling over her face. Could hear the soft crackle of the fire, the beating of her heart, the dust settling…. It was quiet. Too quiet. Her eyes snapped open and frantically scanned the room. It was a sty… books… papers… clothes… even Ron's wizarding chess lay sprawled everywhere, abandoned. The silence was oppressive. The room… no EVERYTHING! It was driving her nuts. She had to ** do **something!

Before she was conscious of moving, she was across the room and scooping up abandoned papers, books, anything she could lay her hands on. Then she was dumping it across the table and frantically sorting…

_Lavendar Brown. Seamus Finnigan. Granger. Patil. Potter. Fred - George - Ginny - Ron. Weasley…_

First by name, then in order by name, then sub filing by class, assignment, and date… Then, _Oh SHIT! _Potter did not belong with Patil!_ Wrong…All WRONG!!! _ She dumped her hour's worth of work on the floor and started anew._ Brown. Finnigan. Granger…_

Hours went by and finally the table was covered with dozens of files of perfectly aligned, perfectly ordered papers with books and pencils that belonged to each person stacked a top it.

  
_********************************************  
** In time when I was giving up the fight to carry on  
when all the happiness inside of me was gone  
It didn't matter what I did   
cuz all was wrong…  
******************************************_

  
Her eyes were glazed over, her breathing erratic. And once again she was moving, straightening pillows, the curtains, dusting miniscule bits of dirt off the fireplace… discovering papers she had missed before. In her mind she chanted endlessly, brokenly: _No more mess NO more mess Gotta clean. clean cleancleanprettyperfectgood. Perfect. Good. Clean.smart.good.perfect.bravebrainsane…sane…_ with that word, that thought, Hermione snapped back into herself._ Oh, Merlin._ Her hands convulsed around the papers in her hands, one especially nasty piece cut her palm… not that she noticed…

_NO! I promised I wouldn't do this again! _She fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands. The silence was delicious and it was deadly. Because, while being alone was a treat, it was her own private hell. There was no one around to nag or bother her. No one asking her for advice. No giggling. No questions. No laughing No talking. No interruptions… No one to stop her. No one to interrupt her. No one to hide from. No reason to sneak around._ The counting thesortingthescratchingthefixingthecleaningthepullingthequestionthe…the… EVERYTHING! _ She rocked back and forth, choking back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her.

Her fingers began to take on a life of their own… grab some hair, find a single strand, twirling…twirling around the index finger and then PULL! Again and again she did this… no pain… no thought… just twirling and pulling curly strands of auburn hair. 

  
**_***********************************_**  
There's a part of me who just can't see  
Why do you believe in scum like me?  
I care no more why can't you see?

I feel that I've been holding on 2 long to history  
my mistakes have been the same repetitively  
it's a feeling of mistake and misery  
***************************************

  
A loud bang caused her to jerk her hair up, flipping her hair into a 'normal' pose. She watched as the Common Room portrait slammed open, allowing a stream of Griffindors through. The chaos, the noise, the babble was back, and more incomprehensible than ever.

She saw Harry stumble through the throng, his Firebolt held high above his head like a trophy. His brilliant green eyes scanned the room, eyebrow quirking slightly at the organized papers, until they landed on her. Her strode quickly over to her, reaching down to help her up, "Hermione! What are you doing on the floor?"

  
**_******************************************_**  
A voice always questioning everything I do  
It's always there 2 make me feel a kinda' blue  
makes me feel that I am nothing  
but a fool…  
**********************************************

  
Once again, she reacted without thought, stuffing the handful of hair in her pocket and then nervously flattening the crumpled papers. "Crookshanks decided to play attack the junk. And ummm… well, some of it looked important. Not that I can understand why anyone would be foolish enough to leave important papers around like that, I mean what if something happened to them…"_ Oh Merlin, I'm babbling. _"So I-i- started cleaning-up."

Harry looked at her skeptically, but seemed willing to accept her story. "Sure…" He glanced around the room. "And once you got started…"

"I couldn't stop." Hermione plastered a smile on her face and laughed hollowly, "You know me. Never can stand a messy work environment."

"Or ***cough* *cough*** Common Room." Ron snickered as he snatched the papers from her grasp.

"Ron, shut up," sighed an exhasperated Harry as Hermione took a half-hearted swing at the other boy's head.

  
**_****************************************************_**  
Instead of being proud of all the good things that I've done  
I take a step aside,  
I hit and run  
cuz I feel that I have fooled you all along.  
cuz when you look under the surface you will see  
that what you think is big and strong  
is only me.  
*********************************************************

  
Laughing the three friends gathered around the fire to play a game of exploding snap. But as she laughed and played, a little voice in the back of Hermione's mind whispered

**They can never know.**

  
  
** **** Ok people, I decided to try something new... like a different series. It didn't turn out like I had thought, but then again nothing every does. So please, review and let me know what you think.**

I, of course, do not own any part of the Harry Potter series and I especially do not claim the musical genius of Meja. Her song 'Scum Like Me' is from her CD _Realities_ **** 


End file.
